Dear Nina,

I am going to college in Tallahassee, which is about a 10-hour drive from home, and that distance makes everything feel more real. I feel happy and excited because I get to start a new chapter in my life, meet new people, and pursue my goals more independently. College for me represents new opportunities, freedom, and the chance to grow into who I want to be. At the same time, I feel sad about leaving behind my family, friends, and the familiar routines that have shaped my life. It’s hard knowing I won’t see the people I care about every day or be as involved in their lives.

Signed, A Nervous New College Student

Dear Nervous,

Senior year is bittersweet not only because it is the last year of high school, but also the last year of childhood. College is a huge next step in your life. It is the first real transition into adulthood. There is so much waiting for you behind that door, but it can be a little scary to open. And, it can be scary letting go of who got us here and of what feels comfortable, like your childhood bed, your mom’s cooking, and friends you grew up with.

But, I wonder, what are you afraid of? Feeling guilty for leaving your parents? Most parents want their child to move out and start their life. They worked hard to give you an education, a family, and hopefully, enough of a foundation to start your own journey and become successful. Your success is their joy. If the expectation was that you would get a college education, then I would imagine your parents wouldn’t be happy if you stayed home.

It sounds like you are lucky enough to have earned a spot at a good university that is far away. That’s great! But, sometimes being so geographically away from home can feel daunting. Perhaps the fear comes from leaving your support system? It can overwhelming to decide how to make new friends, how to take care of yourself – food, laundry, etc. which major you want to study, how to get help if you are struggling academically, all at once. Well, college is a great intermediate step! Getting involved will help you break that fear of not finding friends, because there’s a place for everyone. For example, there are around 810 sororities and fraternities in all of Florida. If that’s not your cup of tea, then join a club. Some of FSU’s clubs include the Economics Club, the Women’s Leadership Network, Black Student Union, and even a Fishing Club.  If you’re more sporty, there are intramural clubs like soccer, pickleball, or basketball.

Part of growing up is actually learning how to meet your basic needs. You may have a meal plan, or a kitchenette in your dorm that may inspire you to start cooking. Certainly, there is a laundry mat on campus. If you are worried about selecting the right major, there are career services, like FSU’s Career Center which is there to help you academically by building your resume, exploring career options (via NoleNetwork), and finding internships.

Finally, if you are really feeling like you can’t cope or if you are dealing with a major emotional situation, most universities and colleges offer free counseling, like FSU’s Counseling and Psychological Services (CAPS). All these services are there to guide you through this transition and help you.

Keep in mind is that most new college students feel the same way. They feel the same fears and excitement of starting this new chapter as you do. So, you are not alone. Everything that you’re leaving behind has prepared you for what’s on the other side, so open that door. 

Dear Nina,

My whole life, my parents have never gotten along, which led to them separating. There were always problems, but recently my mom told my dad that he isn’t allowed to see my brother anymore and she listed all the reasons why. Then, she followed that by saying she didn’t care if I was mad and if I never talked to her again. Being as stubborn as I am, I decided that if she didn’t care, then I just wouldn’t talk to her anymore because why would I put effort into talking to someone who doesn’t care? And as a girl this has been very hard for me because sometimes you just have your “I need my mom moment.” Sometimes I write in my notes and pretend like I’m texting her about my problems. I do love and miss her but I just feel like it hurts me no matter what I do. If I talk to her, I feel drained and if I don’t, I feel alone.

Signed, A Frustrated Daughter

Dear Frustrated,

My parents are also divorced, so this is a situation that I truly understand. Being the oldest daughter, my parents always put me in the middle of their arguments. It was exhausting. It’s interesting that you’re upset with your mom about something that happened between your mom, dad, and brother, but not you. Did she forbid you from talking to your dad as well? If not, perhaps she believes she had a valid reason to cut off contact between them. Think about what has transpired among the three of them. Maybe your mom felt like your dad was being abusive in some way towards your brother and her motherly instincts kicked in. If she forbade him from contact with you as well, has he been abusive towards you? She may have her reasons. Keep in mind that ultimately, the court will decide if you father can have contact with his children. 

But more importantly, by choosing not to speak with her, it sounds like you have cut-off contact with your mother. According to psychologists, what you’re doing is called “stonewalling”, which is the refusal to communicate during conflict, a sort of psychological shut down. In some cases, it’s a way to avoid being hurt, but this can also be seen as a manipulation tactic, and in your case, maybe a way to “punish” your mom by not reaching out to her. Think about why you might be subconsciously “stonewalling” your mom. Incidentally, your mom seems to be stonewalling you as well. You’re both at a Mexican standoff, each refusing to make the first move.

Having your concerns dismissed by your mother is deeply painful. It’s obvious you want to communicate with her because you are writing your feelings down. The next step is to  vocalize them. Write her a letter about how you have been feeling. There’s no reason to make it angry or accusatory – that will only serve to shut her down more. Just say how sad you are that you both are not talking and that you worry about your brother having his father cutoff from him. Tell her you love her and want to heal your relationship with her and the rest of your family members. It might not work, but at least she will know how you feel. Then, start talking. Casual conversation. Daily occurrences and let your mom address/answer your letter in her own time. This situation is unfortunate, but taking action and putting down these small intentional steps might help you rebuild the relationship that you both once had.

Lastly, advice from one daughter of divorced parents to the next: your parents’ problems are not yours to fix.  Even if we feel the need to try and fix everything, it’s not our job. So just focus on what you can control, which is how you react to those around you.